I sat in the chapel. Hundreds of people were mere silhouettes surrounding me. Corporate worship, full of individuals. Look around, each face betrays a part of their lifestory. Silent tears, joyful abandonment, stony silence. I don’t know the story my own face betrayed, but I knew something majestic was moving within me. An inspiration to love thy neighbor and sell all I have to the poor. But horror gripped me as I realized the service had to end. Each one of us had to walk through the double glass doors that opened up to the dark, rainy, cold street. In reality, the devil prowls around like a lion. School shootings happen. Cancer happens. Loneliness happens. I want to dwell in a place of light, not ever having to step back into the darkness. Tonight, as I joined with the communion of saints in singing and praising the Father in the chapel at my small, Christian liberal-arts college, I realized I never wanted to leave that chapel. I wanted that service to go on forever. No more darkness, continuous worship. I’ve never understood heaven more.
God is calling me to die. He calls each of us to do the same. I must die to self in order to be resurrected in Christ. Of course, I’ve always known it. But as C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, “We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way –centered on money or pleasure or ambition –and hoping in spite of this to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do.” I don’t know how to do it, how to let go. There is so much I don’t know and don’t understand. There is so much anger and yet love. I pretty much don’t have a clue what’s going on inside of me. All I know is that God is here, faithful, and he’s calling me to something greater in Him.
And that doesn’t even begin to cover all that went on in my head tonight. oie.
