Over Christmas break, I went through memory lane by reading through some of my old writings. I found a journal that I started last year after reading When God Writes Your Love Story. Eric and Leslie Ludy talked about how they wrote letters to their future spouses while they were single, and I thought that was a really good idea, so I wrote a few pages of journal entries. It must have gotten lost, because I didn’t write in it for quite a while. I wrote an entry over break, and I want to share it because I believe other girls are in a similar mindset as me. So, here is a letter to my future husband:
December 31, 2009
I was going through my stacks of old journals today, and I found this book. It’s been 6 months since I wrote last. I forgot. For a moment, a 6-month moment, I forgot. I didn’t forget you as much as I forgot myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about love and intimacy as it relates to romantic relationships, and I’ve realized that I’ve made that pursuit of romance my idol, in a sense. I’ve been putting so much pressure on you and you aren’t even here to know it and stand up against it. So, I’m sorry. You were not created to complete me or fulfill me. Really, you weren’t created for me at all, and I wasn’t created for you. By the will of God we will find each other, not for something selfish, but for something selfless. Christ to the Church. We must stand as that metaphor to the world and to each other. I have not been faithful to you because I’ve been neglecting my relationship with God. One of my favorite quotes is: “A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her.” Well, I feel lost alright, but it hasn’t been in God. I have to trust God’s timing and your ability to listen to the Spirit. “We” will be when our choices align, and God prompts the pursuit… but for now, I have to learn to live. And not for you. I have to live for God, for myself, and for the people and community that surround me NOW. You are NOT my life’s pursuit, but you will be my life’s blessing. The best thing I can do for our future relationship is to break up with you now. Metaphorically, of course. ;) I have no claim over your life now. I pray that you choose to claim your own purity, maturity of character, and dreams so that I might enjoy them with you later. But for now, I release you. Fall in love with your savior. I will try to do the same. I love you.
-M
