I feel like I’m chasing something, but I can never quite catch up to it or even get close enough to get a glimpse of what it is I’m running after. I’ve always been able to be decent at anything I try, but it’s like that’s never enough. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. These past couple days, I’ve been putting together a new blog site for my photography and my design. Just in the past month or two I’ve made so much improvement on both fronts. I’ve been doing wedding photography every weekend, sometimes as an assistant and sometimes on my own. I’ve been working for the college’s graphic designer. And that’s really cool and I’m learning so much, but I’m also learning that I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. I guess I just don’t want to be static. I want to be dynamic, but it puts me in this awkward place of never feeling completely satisfied. I always have one eye on the present and one eye on what might be coming next. And, honestly, that has a tendency to breed a little discontentment because I feel like I don’t know my purpose anymore. I guess what I mean is that if I don’t feel like I can do the things that I seem to best at for the rest of my life, then what the heck am I going to do? I trust Him, don’t get me wrong. I know if I seek His will, I can live in it. I also know that He’s doing something inside of me, opening me up, it seems, to possibilities I’d shut the door on. I said I’d never shoot a wedding. It was too much pressure. It’s now my summer job. I said I’d never go to Africa. It was the missionary’s cliché. I’m going to Ethiopia in October. But none of these ever feel like I’m getting any closer to a fulfillment. “Where is the fruit of my labor, God?” I cry out. “Meaningless! It all seems meaningless!”
Humph. Patience never was my strongest virtue.
