I took communion over break, felt the true grace of God that I've never REALLY let wash me clean before, took notes in church, and raised my hands in honest worship. Thank goodness God doesn't give up on us. I'm in a place that is like a new beginning. I feel like I'm back at square one, preparing to rebuild my faith... but this time it's going to be built with truth and love. But it's scary. Like any moment I could fall off the edge again. It would be so easy for me to give up and give in. To live the sterotypical Christian life. I'm like an alcoholic that has to walk by a bar on their way to work every morning. Everytime I sit in a church service, read my Bible, or pray I could make it mean nothing. So easily I could make it NOT about God. Oie.
I've tried to keep a journal since about 3rd grade. I've kept one hardcore since Freshman year of high school. Something I've wanted to do and I finally accomplished over Christmas break was going back through and reading some of my old journals. Going through some of them, though, was embarassing. :) I was so immature and boy crazy. I only connected spirituality with good feelings. I read all this stuff now and shake my head at myself. Although, I'm sure that when I'm older still I'll look back on my current journal and shake my head. But I can't regret who I was or what I did. It's all brought me to now. I'm glad everything's on paper for me to revisit, or else I might NOT understand where I came from. It reminds me that a freshman girl in high school may appear calm and collected, but underneath all of that, there are a lot of hormones, a lot of questions, and a lot of immaturity. And that's NORMAL. My views of the world were so skewed. I thought I was the righteous Christian come to save those wreched sinners, though I wouldn't have put it quite like that. Although this stuff, these struggles, still rage on inside of me, I'm starting to aquire a new view of the world and of Christians. I recognize that everyone is broken. The people at a Christian conference and the girl who confesses during a game of Truth or Dare to losing her virginity... we are all broken. I am no better than anyone else. I still see the sin as wrong, but for different reasons. It's wrong because it hurts people, not because doing it lowers who you are in the eyes of God. Why wasn't truth and honesty preached to me as a kid? In Jr. High? In High School? I feel like I misguided my peers in high school away from the God who passionatly loves them... simply because I wasn't honest.
Something I thought about today. You know when people (especially kids) say, "I'm hungry" or "I'm starving!" And then their parents say something like, "Then go eat an apple" or "Here's some [insert gross food of choice]." And the kid protests because he had something much sweeter in mind, followed by the parent saying, "Well, I guess you weren't really that hungry." My parents did that all the time. And I think I'm like that spiritually. I go to God and say, "God, I love you so much. Show me your will for my life!" Then God comes back with , "Well, then do [insert activity that pushes you outside your comfort zone and obvioiusly filled with hardwork]." Then I say, "Oh. wow. Um... no thanks. That's not really what I had in mind." To which God sadly replies, "Well then, I guess you weren't really hungry."
Also, I'm still learning about LOVE.
Here's my list from God thus far.
*love is faithful
*love protects
*love provides
*love is mysterious
*love is unconditional
*love shows emotion
*love pursues
*love is eternal
*love sacrifices
...each of those mean something pretty deep to me. God has shown them to me through circumstances, promises, and my own personal flaws. Hopefully he'll keep revealing more characteristics.
