*So. In worship last night, we sang a song that over and over said, "You're all I need, Jesus." I mean, wow. All I need? If everything was taken from me, my friends left, my possessions, my journal, my camera, all the photographs I've taken, my family, my money, my education, my food and water... if all that was taken, would Jesus be enough for me? I mean, those are heavy words. I think living in middle class, Western culture, I don't understand what it means to give everything to Jesus. I have too much to give. But I want to try. I WANT Jesus to be my everything... as terrifying as that thought is and what that truly means to materialistic me. I want that security in knowing that if everything was gone, Jesus is all I need. It sounds crazy if you truly think about it, but yeah.
*I've been spending too much time on Facebook or online in general. I've been neglecting my homework... not the "turn in" stuff, but the reading and the homework that actually helps me learn. I've been putting it off. As God put it to me, I'm not honoring Him with my time. I spend a lot more time wasting time than putting it to good use. I'm fasting Facebook/Myspace for a while. It's currently a roadblock in my relationship with Jesus.
*I'm reading The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck for a class this semester. Today, I read about how a step of growth and discipline is daring to be challenged. Which is an interesting concept for me, because I hate being challenged. I take it better now than I did before, but still. Honestly, usually if I decide to say something out loud that states an opinion, I've thought it through and no one finds grounds to challenge it. The stuff I struggle with is kept silent so no one can come up against me. I have a deep fear of failure. I didn't realize how consuming it was, but it effects how I interact with people. It keeps me from letting myself get in a situation where I could fail, be wrong, or be challenged. And if I'm not being challenged, then I'm not being encouraged to grow. I keep trying to sort things out in my own head, by myself. And, I mean, maybe that's the reason I have to much trouble with maintaining relationships. I'm scared of failing. I've been let down so many times, and I've let others down so many times that I see relationship failure as unavoidable. Subconciously, I think I sabatogue relationships. When I sense a friend starting to move away from me or find new friends or whatever, then I withdraw. I become silent, waiting for the inevitable failure. But if I pull out of the friendship on purpose, then I don't really fail. To me it seems better to cause my own failure than to try hard and still not make it. Which is why I need people around me who stay dedicated to me even when I try and withdraw. And even, I need people who seek me out when I reach that place. Very few people have ever dared to truly stick around to prove me wrong about trust. This is obviously a skewed view that I need to overcome because it's preventing me from being challenged and growing in faith. But yeah... those are my thoughts from today....
