Here's the battle, yo.

What I want:

*I want to get married. Meet the guy I’ve been waiting for, keeping pure for, dreaming of and experience the highs and lows of choosing to love.

*I want to travel. In fun ways, touring Europe, seeing all the culture that I revered as a kid, and still do… and maybe do some missionary work overseas with Crisis Aid or some other sex trafficking organization.

*I want to do my Christian magazine thing. I may be confused about it now and unsure about how it’ll work out, but it’s still something that I see as part of my future.

*I want a good life. Not rich, but not on the streets or anything. I want to have enough that I can give away, and honestly, I want enough that I can decorate my house like I want to.

*I want to be respected, well-liked, admired.

 

What Jesus wants from me:

*Jesus wants me to die to self.

“If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)

Jesus wants me to give up what I want. All of it. That doesn’t mean some it might not come to me, but it means that I have to be willing to give it all up. It means that I have to let go of it. It means that I might get none of what I want. And that terrifies me. That takes me to the verge of tears, because I hold on to those dreams pretty tightly, those things that I want from my life. They aren’t bad things: to be loved, to see the world, to work for God, using my talents. Those are fantastic things, actually… but they’re MY things. Things I want. Things I feel I deserve, even. But I have to die to self. Die. To. Self.

I don’t know if I can do it.

Matthew 19:16-30

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

   Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,'and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

 "All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.