I guess I never really thought about what "faith" means, which is a weird revelation. Faith: To trust God and his promises and His willingness and ability to glorify and work through the believer with the same power that raised Christ from the dead (see Ephesian 1:19-20). God placed me in a women's Bible study at my church here at school, and it's about faith. Crazy, right? Oh, God. One of the faith journal reflections I had to write told me to write a letter to God regarding my faith:
"God, I guess I feel like you've let me down. I have had subconscious, but serious doubts about your power and its work on the earth. Sometimes I feel like you've lost control down here. What's the balance between our free-will and your control? I guess I've put you in a box because I was disappointed. You didn't show up like I expected. Please let me experience the true You. Break down my misconceptions and hurts. Show up, God. I want to live a radical life of faith even thought that thought scares the crap out of me. Love, M"
In high school, I wanted to see a revival. Early in my high school years I felt like people all around me were really passionate about God. The local youth group was growing and thriving. "The Extreme Team" put on a worship session after school in our auditorium, and I saw people I would never expect go and "give their lives to Jesus." But then things started to change. People stopped coming to youth group. I saw the kids who played in the worship band act like totally different people at school. Our youth pastors moved. The "new Christians" went back to business as usual. And I was confused. But I still believed in God would use me and move people towards faith. I did my weekly Christian newsletter, and I thought that would make a difference. I attended youth group faithfully for a long time simply out of obligation, even though it had long been reduced to what I saw as shambles. I saw my youth group friends, one by one, fall away. Senior year, my close friends and I met every other morning to pray for our school, and we formed "The Core" because we felt like we were "the core" of believers remaining at our school. But that eventually fell apart by the end of senior year. My valedictorian speech at graduation was a plea for my class to realize the potential in themselves that they lost over the four years. I stood up there, looking at my class, saddened. So many of these people were so strong and inspiring, but I felt betrayed by them, the former youth-group goers, the former faith inspirers. It hurt. I didn't realize how much it's affected how I view God until recently. But not only did I feel betrayed by them, I felt like God betrayed them and me. I too had lost some passion by the end. I went from the girl who believed in revival to the girl who didn't. And I nursed that wound.
But lately, God's been convicting me. And conviction is not about inspiring shame, it's simply about speaking truth into a situation where it was lacking before. But I'm realizing that I need to start believing in God's power again. I need to believe before I can experience. He's been working.
Thursday, a girl named Mari living in my dorm pod spoke about her crazy medical history. It's crazy that she can walk and live at college. And God just said to me, "Miranda. You want a miracle? One's been living across the hall from you for the past 2 months."
And last night. We get a call saying one of my roommate's friends is missing and all they left behind was a suicide note. It was pretty crazy for a while. We prayed together, and I said in my heart, "God, this is your time to move. Bring this girl back. Encounter her. Please, God. Please." We just sat in silence. Then the phone rang again. The girl was found. She was in bad shape, crying, walking along side the highway. God found her before she did it. She did indeed encounter God out there. Today, she's embarrassed, hurting, but praising God for his work in her life last night.
Faith. It's what God's been teaching me about lately.
